I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
You left your underwear on the fireplace
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize