happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
