Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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