I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
