fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize