I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
