Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
