i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Randomize
