I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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