Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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