woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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