Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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