I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
