Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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