I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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