I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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