I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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