I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
