I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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