Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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