I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
