i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
