Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
