he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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