i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
