Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
