last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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