Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
