I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
