My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
