Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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