I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
