my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
