omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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