The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
