look no pants
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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