the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
