i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize