Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
