My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
whose parrot is this?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
