His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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