Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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