The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
