I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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