Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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