It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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