she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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