i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
My ATM looks so different sober.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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