Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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