ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
