you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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