just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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