I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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