Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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