I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
