just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
