I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
